On reflection, I remember myself carrying a newspaper in my arms as I walked for my duty in the hospital, daring to study for the UPSC when, in the words of my husband – my GK was ‘not zero, but in the negative’; and many who said ‘UPSC nahi baccha karo’. Professional, married, settled, why, impossible, unfathomable, crazy, impractical, ineligible, selfish, people-pleaser : many of the words that were used by many to tell me how totally stupid this whole idea of writing this exam was. It took me 8 hours when I started, to only read a newspaper. I was reading one after at least ten years! I was shocked to see terms like the repo rate (and I remember thinking ab yeh reverse repo kya hai. I read a book and then read a simpler one to get the hang of the first. Now when I think about it, it WAS crazy. A handful of friends who did not believe in me but loved me and did not care for their beliefs are the ones who got me through this – how I value and treasure and cherish their showing up for me always. I mean, get this:For my UPSC interview, which I was sure I would fail, seven friends came to Delhi with me just to say ‘You go, girl’ and to ensure the saree that I was trying for the first time in life was proper. I don’t know until today what I did to get so lucky in love.
But, after all these years, what UPSC has taught me is this :
1. Difficult things seem difficult because they inherently are. That doesn’t mean they are undoable. I dared to learn guitar, music, economics, law because I know how many times my heart broke when I was preparing for UPSC. I know how many nights I went to sleep without closure because there was just no end to learning. From that, I learnt to flow. To be okay with not having closure, with open ends. To fail earlier so that I don’t fail one day. To know that the real failure was not trying. I mean, a few marks here and there and I would have been the person who was stupid enough to ‘waste’ her life. I live with that humility. I live with the knowledge that I constantly fail.
2. Unlearning. Uff, the things men and women and others are told, the boxes all of us are put in. I found my courage not in getting through UPSC but in the pursuit of it. I told my husband ‘Ok so my GK is negative, but someone would have written a history book and that’s enough’. Crazy girl, he said. And he was right. I do my crazy, he does his and i think all of us must do ours. That’s how the world gets the best from everyone and becomes better. Encourage others to do their crazy whether you understand it or not – that’s the best gift we can give them.
3. Learning never stops. Economics isn’t just for men. Break those ceilings not only for yourself but for others. Crying is okay for you, your junior and your senior. Really, anybody. Leadership is hard. Much easier with love & the knowledge of data. Only data is stupid though.
3.5 Causality and Correlation are different. Think before explicitly mentioning/implicitly implying that Y happened because we did X. To understand the simplicity of it, one needs to know the nuances of it. There are no side postings, there’s only make everything better.
4. I am still learning this but happiness began and stayed within me when the centre of my universe was not me. I want to tell stories, but those stories are genuinely not about me even if I happen to come in them. I might be crazy here but I think we are all part of an invisible goodness circle. We and our children need to understand the kind of challenges we are getting into: climate change, inequality, surveillance, authoritarianism. We need to usher in a better bureaucracy.
More specialisations, our heads in the right humble place, our spines in the right straight place, collaborating with the community, setting the ecosystem right instead of just the data. We need to set so much right. We are of, for, by the people and let’s never forget that.
Living the Writeful Way 
The first lesson is actually what I am learning now with my GATE preparation. Realising everyday that it’s really difficult and energy draining. This feeling doesn’t leave me because there is so much to study. But what was more difficult was objectively deciding what I really want to do..as the community I belong to doesn’t consider science as a fruitful career.
It was a big decision because for around ..8-9 years, I wanted to go for civil services but later on I realised that it wasn’t my genuine interest. The people around me wanted me to have that interest and thought that careers are like hierarchy..where it is at the top. They wanted us to first do engineering or medical then prepare for UPSC.
It took me a lot of courage to point out that my year long interest was not true.
Also, now that I decided to pursue science, I realise it’s no near easy.
Everyday I realise I know so less and new perspectives of seeing things. There are so many geniuses in science..they have contributed so much to the world. I think..Will I be able to do something like that?..people top in these subjects but I was pretty good but never the topper.
I have to remind myself often that I don’t want to do it because I want to become a scientific genius but because I want to spend my life thinking, learning and discovering new ways in which nature works to the extent I can do.
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